Learning to have faith in Him whom I believe.

(this equals the honesty that has been building in my for so long I don’t even know.  I don’t like flat out talking about it because I feel like a failure, the good Christian kid who can’t handle grown up faith. and yet, it is all true.  Today more than most.  So… mom, you aren’t going to like it, but this is not a reflection on you, k? this is just me.)

Sometimes I think life would be easier if I didn’t believe.

If I didn’t have this deep, inset belief that God exists, that He is the ruler, the Father, the Creator of all good.

If I could just believe that crap happens and there is no explanation.

If I didn’t think that prayer is suppose to change things.

It is supposed to change things, right?

I pray.  I pray so hard. Not for myself, but for them.   For peace. For him stop punishing himself, for him to believe it is okay to be happy.  For smiles and not tears.  For God to make himself known.

I don’t see it happening.  I found out today that the third of the 3 things I have poured my soul out praying for the past 7 months is failing.

Why bother?  Tell me that.  If there is this cosmic plan and nothing I say changes anything why do I have to talk to God about it?  I know… conversation and all that.  But still…

I try so hard to keep faith, but really, as the months have gone… I don’t.  I hardly go to church.  I don’t read my bible, I don’t pray.  Not really. Not anymore.  The faith I fought so hard to make my own in College is circling the drain. 

and yet I still believe.  I still believe he is God.  I still believe he has a plan.  I don’t know what it is, and up to this point I don’t like anything about it, but I still can’t make myself NOT believe.  Sometimes I can feel the broken dreams surrounding me.  I can hear it when I talk to the people whom I love.  I can see it in my life when I see the decisions I made last year, that now maybe weren’t the most logical, but at the time… when dreams start dying it is so easy to give up. Do the easy thing.  I am so scared for them… that they give up and do the easy thing.

I feel so alone sometimes.  So alone, in my world where people believe and I struggle so much.  Where my friends love me, but they don’t understand the pain I can’t explain.  How the pain of others’ broken dreams are dragging down my spirit so much more than any dream of mine.  How I can admit out loud that I am angry at my God and not really talking to him anymore.

I went to WinterJam last night, and it was awesome. Halfway through the first band, RED, they played a song that made me sit up and listen.  Made me want to start communicating again. 

Reminded me that even when I can’t see Him, can’t feel Him, can’t make myself want to believe in Him, I am not alone.  He has been with me through this whole journey, and HE has been with them, the ones I am hurting for, and when we are ready, He is waiting.

I want this to be my attitude.  I NEED this to be my attitude.  I don’t know how to get there anymore, but maybe… maybe I can rebuild my faith, so that it once more is something worth talking about.

I wonder, deep in my soul, if God knew this week would push me past my limits, and gave me a night of praise to build me up first.  Music means so much more than words sometimes… sometimes music is what gets into my brain and stays there.

I believe.  There is a God.  He is good.  I have to believe that.  So now, I guess my job is to learn to translate that belief into a faith in Him.  Believing He exists and having faith in Him, 2 different things I am learning.  Sooo… we shall see.

It is time to start praying again, I am thinking. 

Longing for a life…

I have a dream.  A dream where people in Wichita stop getting crazy sick and I can actually stop working 20 hours of overtime a pay period. A dream where my house is picked up and I can find my camera and go take pictures.  Until then, I will continue to take crummy pictures with my cell phone, because at least then I get to pretend that I have a life with time to pursue my favorite things.

So… things that start with L.  The first thing that came to mind is Laundry room.  Want to see mine?

My dryer is covered with sheets, which is okay because they are clean.  Clean counts for something, right?  The box next to the washer is full of paint cans and paint supplies and other random stuff. because right in front of the basement stairs is a good place to store boxes of paint, don’t you think?

L=laundry+love.  I have developed a weird love for bird fabric.  I don’t even like birds, and yet, by the time the presidents day sale was over, I ended up with this:

The top one I have had for a while, with the plan of making a curtain to go in the doorway next to the washing machine. And yet, when I saw the bottom with the green background?  I am in love.  So now… green in laundry room, and I am thinking… white in kitchen? Am I going to get horribly made fun of for 2 rooms with bird curtains?

Okay. Back to L.  My favorite thing in the world that starts with an L is Lanyard.

My sister in law makes the most wonderful lanyards for me to wear at work… this one is my favorite because it sparkles. It is the perfect length, most of the time it just hangs there but if I am doing something where i need it to not swing it is long enough to tuck into my pocket.  And the most important thing, it gives me a touch of sparkle and personality to wear with my boring scrubs.  Last night Karina texted me some more lanyards that she has made to sell, and I am pretty sure I need them all:

aren’t they pretty?  If I have to wear a name badge I am going to do it in style, that is what I think.

Okay… that is the end of the sad picture show.  Next week will be better!

Part of you capture

hallway goes young!

Today my friend encouraged me to do something I had been wanting to do but not been quite brave enough. I love the colors my house is going… my living room 2 shades of gray, my room 2 shades of blue, my kitchen is going to be a soft white.  But… I wanted something bright and fun as well to make it seem like a 20-something is living here, not just a granny ranch.  So, while RaDonna was in town we decided to paint the entryway.  It started like this:

an ugly dark tan color.

The paint can looked like this:

The painting process looked like this:

 

 

and the finished product rocks:

 

I love it.  It doesn’t look like an old lady house, and I love it.  It also looks very blue in these pictures, I will see if I can get  a clearer picture tomorrow.  It is this really pretty teal blue color.  LOVE.

The painters:

I also love that from the outside you can just see a blue glow:

Kind of hard to see it, but it is really pretty driving by.

Okay… that is my fun house story today!!!

People Skills vol. 1

To continue on my friendship month, this week my friends RaDonna and Randi flew into town for the weekend. I love it when they come from Florida, as I come to them more often.  As you can imagine, it is really cold here compared to florida, but I dragged them out into a snowy field to take pictures.  I am still working on my new years resolution to improve my people (photography) skills, and I love these pictures.  They don’t, but they also have very skewed views of themselves. I can say this, because I have told them that for years.

RADONNA:

 

 

RANDI:

Randi grabbed the camera for some friendship shots as well.

Me and my BFF:

The edit on the first one needs some help.  It came out very orange for some reason, and then I messed with it and now it reads red.  Who knows. and the second one somehow got a shutter speed of 13, so it was really bright. I like the edit though.

Randi and I:

 

It has been a good week.  There will be more to come, but I wanted my mom to be able to see these.  I think I am getting better, although I still end up with faces out of focus. I need to work on that.

Aren’t they beautiful?

Cold

Cold through the lens of my retro camera app:

can you see downtown Wichita?   I drove home from work in the snow one day, and the next made it to my grandparent’s apartment.  This is the view from the 10th floor.

Cold looks colder in black and white.

This is what a nurse wears to work when there is a blizzard outside.  Scrubs were not designed for below zero weather.

RaDonna came to see me from Florida.   She thinks 45 degrees is cold, and when she got off the plane it was 6 degrees.  I made her shovel snow. I am a good friend.

Off to curl up on the couch under a blanket and be the opposite of cold.

Part of you capture

It was heaven.

Here’s the deal. I moved to Wichita for family. I wanted to be closer, and I have never regretted that.  But I miss my friends.  I miss the house parties I used to have where 12 people would be sitting in my living room.

Today, though? Today was my idea of heaven. My house was filled with people I love, food I cooked was bubbling on the stove, and it was home.  Home… one of the reasons I wanted a house.  One of the reasons I wanted a big living room.  One of the reasons love cooking.  12 people. In my home. We ate and played games and ate some more and everyone stirred the chili and my biscuits weren’t near as good as my moms and the gravy had just a couple of lumps.

Oh, and the packers WON THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!  Where it wasn’t the best part of the weekend, people will always win that, it was pretty stinking awesome!!!  Especially since most of the people in my living room were going for the steelers. 

IN YOUR FACE, vikings and cowboys fans.  Just saying.

anyway, the weekend was heaven.  I loved it.  I love having a home where people can come in and kick off their shoes and plop on the couch and wander the hallways and everyone throws balloons while yelling “watch out for the new tv!”  I love that my friends come and do dishes and I can ask the guys to change the smoke detector batteries and move furniture and they don’t even bat an eye.

I love the look on my family’s face when they saw me jumping up and down on the couch when we got the last touchdown.  or that everyone was yelling at me to get down when I was on the floor in front of the tv and stood up when we got our interception return touchdown.  apparently they wanted to see it too.

I love football.

I love my friends.

I love my family (whom don’t really like football but come because I invite them.  that is love…)

I love my chili.  that I didn’t actually eat because there was too much other food but that will most definitely be going to work tomorrow.

Did I mention my team won? the super bowl? 

I also love the super bowl champs the GREENBAY PACKERS.

My face is smiling.

Go RED

Tomorrow is Wear Red for Women day.

I had a plan. A beautiful plan. A Cardiac nurse wants to save the women plan… although there is no way my little self with my never read blog can really save women, but see, there are these numbers that bug me, so I guess I don’t want to save women, I want to save some particular women.

1 in 3 women world-wide die of heart disease. 

The reasons this number concerns me?

1 in 3.

3 sisters

6 roommates

9 female cousins.

1 in 3.

So I had this plan. Take pictures of my women wearing red and do a photo study of them… combine it with the facts and make something beautiful. and I will do it… maybe next year or the next, but I am going to do something like that.

But, in case you missed it, there was a massive snow storm this week. And I worked extra to cover for others who were sick/snowed in.  So… I have one set of pictures.  1 roommate.  Wearing red.  and for today? It works. Because the more I read the more I know that I will make sure that the people around me know the risks, know the facts, know the signs.  and I can do that without taking a bunch of pictures.

In 2005 heart disease claimed 454,613 lives, compared to all cancers combined claiming 268,890.

When compared with men the numbers are (in my opinion) even more depressing.  After the age of 40, 38% of women will die in the year following a heart attack vs. only 23% of men.  Women are more likely to be severely disabled following heart attacks, are more likely to die following heart surgery, are less likely to even get diagnosed properly.

But there is also hope.   Because where as women have higher likelihood of dying, they also have a greater ability than men to prevent.  Women's hearts respond much better to healthy lifestyle changes than men, which is amazing.  Of course, getting women to set aside time to take care of themselves is a challenge.

Main symptom? extreme fatigue.  Feels like the flu, lasting for up to a month.  Dizziness, sweating, feeling like you are having a panic attack.  Jaw pain… and of course chest pain in some instances. 

Ways to prevent? Know your numbers… cholesterol, blood pressure, average blood glucose, weight.  Know how to decrease these numbers.  Eating healthy and exercise, while always talked about, really are the best way.

I want to keep writing. I love this subject, I hate this subject. It needs talked about, and yet it isn’t. so I will write more, but not today.  Today I leave you with the last (weirdly edited) picture taken, and some links that I have been obsessively reading.

Women’s Heart *** Different symptoms***mayo clinic*** women’s health.gov

 

(You Capture is going red today, so I thought I would join up.)

Randomness.

In 4 days there are 12 people showing up at my house for a super bowl party.  In the 4 days I need to debox my guest room, organize my kitchen so I can paint it, figure out how 12 people are going to sit in my living room since I still only have 1 couch. 

I have decided a room a month is a good goal.  February is Kitchen/ eat in month.  We are painting on Saturday, shelves in the week after that.  It will get done.  Taking a while, but it will get done.

4  days though?  too much to do, and after working 7/8 days, too tired to do much. and of course, there is the snow.  too much snow.

I had plans for a great post tomorrow about women’s health with lots of friends in red, but see above statement of work and snow, and I have 2 pictures of 1 friend that did not come out anywhere near where I wanted them which depressed me cause the one thing I thought I had down was single people portraits.  so then I decided I suck at pictures and should just give up.  then I decided I was feeling sorry for myself, and should start taking pictures more often again, and then… see above statement of snow and work.

that was a long complicated sentance that said nothing, huh?

I want the world to look more like this:

and less like this:

The End.